


And the planet may go astray, In a million years I say

by ardentaislinn



Category: WTF Evolution (Tumblr)
Genre: Gen, The corporate side of heaven, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 21:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5430905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardentaislinn/pseuds/ardentaislinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Evolution wanted was to be able to create cool creatures. It would be a lot more fun if HR wasn't such a killjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And the planet may go astray, In a million years I say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Idhren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idhren/gifts).



Evolution stood at her design table, contemplating her latest draft for a new upgrade to frogs. It wasn’t really impressing her, she had to admit. Maybe if it could breathe fire… 

She took a few steps back to look at the full picture, little puffs of clouds gathering at her feet. Hmmm...if she modified too much, it might change its method of defense, and she actually quite liked that bit. But was it enough? 

“Pssst,” she whispered over the wall of her cubicle. 

“What?” she heard from behind the flimsy barrier. 

“What if I made frogs breathe fire?” 

She heard a curse and some shuffling as Weather stood. Her friend glared at her over the top of the cubicle wall. “ _Fire?_ ” 

“Sure. It’d be cool, right?” 

“Not literally. And probably not figuratively, considering frogs are amphibians and need lots of water to survive. What happens when they go for a swim, or it inevitably rains?” 

“I hadn’t really thought that far ahead, but I’m sure they could sort themselves out.” 

Weather rolled her eyes. “Don’t expect that species to last long. It’ll be extinct pretty quick. Better to make something hardier.” Weather disappeared back into her cubicle, diligent as ever. 

Evolution considered her design. _Hardy_. Ugh. How boring. 

She was interrupted in her thought process by the head of HR popping his head around the corner. 

“The boss-man is on his way. This time, _behave_.” A jolt went through her at the words, but she didn’t let her reaction show. 

“I always behave,” she replied haughtily, while simultaneously remembering that time she’d shown him a demo of a lizard that had accidentally exploded on him. She’d had to rethink the reproductive cycle after that one. “Go bug someone else today. PR hasn’t done anything lately, why don’t you get on their case?” 

HR just gave her a disbelieving look and strode off to the next cubicle, a warning in his gaze. It was almost as if he thought she did it on purpose. She didn’t. Mostly. She just got carried away sometimes, that was all. 

HR focused his ire on Births over in the corner, and Evolution felt herself relax. 

The big boss didn’t visit often. He was largely disinterested in what his departments were doing. Until one of them screwed up enough for him to notice, and then they were fired. Often quite literally, if the mistake was big enough to send them down to The Basement. Which was really just a nice euphemism for Hell. They all knew it, but no one would say it aloud, for fear it would give the big man ideas. 

Evolution had come close a few times, but honestly, she’d been pretty lucky in her career. She was one of the longest-serving departments, so long that she’d forgotten her original name. Now, she was just known by her job title. 

Evolution saw a movement out the corner of her eye, and glanced over to see Death leaning across the aisle. 

“Hey, for what it’s worth, I think anything that breathes fire is _way_ cooler,” he stage-whispered to her. 

Evolution smiled at him. “I think so, too.” 

It was difficult to keep interest in your job after three billion years or so, but Evolution managed to find ways to entertain herself. She mostly kept experimenting on the deep sea life, since humans were far less likely to see those and start asking awkward questions. But it meant she could do all kinds of cool stuff under the radar. 

Most of it, she admitted, was just to mess with HR. He stood over her shoulder all the time ‘checking up’ on her, so she designed things absolutely guaranteed to upset him. He was always such a killjoy about the best features she came up with, too. 

Sometimes she worried if she’d peaked too early, though. She’d been trying to find a way to top dinosaurs since she made them, but so far she wasn’t having much luck. No matter. She was putting enough cool features on the creatures to keep her job security relatively tight. But she would have to come up with something pretty awesome if she wanted to finally get promoted out of the cubicle and into that awesome private lab she’d requested. 

It was about taking _risks_. She knew this. But HR had been on her back for a while and was adamantly against risks of any kind. He said it drew attention to their work and meddling if the features were too strange. People would _talk_ , and talk was dangerous. 

Or so HR said. Evolution hadn’t seen much evidence of humans being dangerous to them. To other humans, yes, but that was when the War department got a little heated. 

But what were the humans going to do? Come up here to some forgotten corner of Heaven and fight them all for putting a mohawk on a bird? Unlikely. 

Still, Evolution played by the rules, even if she was a fan of the grey areas. 

“Hello, my children!” 

She looked up in time to see God swagger in, the expression of a man who believed he was much loved by his employees settled on his face. Evolution restrained herself from rolling her eyes. He would be much more beloved if He hadn’t decided to create this world and then become distracted by other things for a few millenia. He ignored his responsibilities for long stretches, and delegated the task of dealing with the consequences of his creations to others. 

Still, it kept Evolution in a job, so she didn’t complain. Publicly. 

Evolution watched as God introduced himself to her coworkers - people that he’d met at least a thousand times before, but had obviously not remembered. HR followed Him at a respectful distance, like a loyal dog eager to be thrown a bone. 

He paused for a moment outside of War’s cubicle. The man instantly began to sweat. 

“War,” God greeted him. 

“Sir.” His eyes shifted nervously. 

“Yeah, I’m going to need you to stop killing everyone. That’d be great.” 

“I...oh.” 

“It’s just...it’s going the teensiest bit overboard, don’t you think?” 

“Absolutely, sir. I’ll scale it back. Immediately.” 

God gave him one long last look, then moved on. War plopped back in his chair, looking like he’d just survived a marathon. 

Evolution waited until He was standing outside her cubicle. 

“Sir,” she greeted him. 

“Evolution!” he said happily. “What wonders do you have in store for me today?” 

“Well, I’ve been working on a frog.” 

“Another one?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Another resting bitch face frog?” His eyes narrowed and Evolution gulped. 

“No, not at all! I was just in a bad mood that day.” She cleared her throat. “The male of this species grows this hair along its sides made of skin and arteries so it can get more oxygen in its blood. Defends its young better.” 

“Arteries on the outside?” 

“Yeah. It looks really strange. See?” She pointed at a particular drawing on her desk. God leaned in close, studying it. He didn’t say anything, so Evolution continued talking. 

“I just, I also thought it might be good if the frogs could defend themselves better.” 

He looked over His shoulder at her with cautious interest. “Go on.” 

“Well, so, I thought that maybe I could give the species claws.” 

“Interesting,” He said, not giving much away. 

“But, like, the claws couldn’t be there all the time. So, I thought, why not have _them_ convert their toes into claws!” 

“Convert?” 

“Yes. Well. The most efficient way of doing that would be to make it break its own toes to make them into claws.” 

HR made a sound of distress from behind God. 

“Break its own toes?” 

“Yes! I’ve called it the Horror Frog.” 

“I...fascinating.” 

“Right?!” 

God turned to the room at large, and the room charged with anticipatory silence. Evolution wondered if she’d finally gone too far. She’d thought this one would have been a sure-fire hit. 

She prepared herself for the flames as God took a deep breath. 

“Listen up! Every time I come visit, someone always disappoints me,” he began. Evolution squeezed her eyes shut. “That person, however, is _never_ Evolution!” 

Her eyes snapped open. 

“She has held her job longer than any of you. She is the most innovative department, she takes risks, and just comes up with some really cool ideas. The same can be said for absolutely none of the rest of you.” 

He glared around at everyone. “I’d fire the lot of you, but it’s too much paperwork and I have a golf game this afternoon. Just, take your tips from Evolution here, and maybe you’ll finally do something entertaining this millenia.” 

And, with that, God swept out of the room, HR still trotting at His heels. 

Evolution stared at her designs, ignoring everyone’s glares. 

Well, if He wanted entertaining, she could give Him entertaining. 

**Author's Note:**

> Bonus points to anyone that got the Office Space reference.


End file.
